slumbering to success

andy grozelle

Everyone harbours a secret desire to succeed, but few brave souls have the brass cojones to unscrupulously pursue their goals. Those intrepid mavericks who do are the pirates of industry – ruthless cutthroats and scallawags that hack and chop their way to the foreground.

I committed myself to such a route long ago, and formed a devious plan that would plaster my name all over the heavens – a plan that seemed flawless but now appears thwarted before fruition.

My original scheme was to heartlessly sleep my way to the top. I picked this particular route because blackmail, deceit and subterfuge are solitary pursuits and, as my mother always told me, I am a people person. Also, I have a long-standing fear of hard work.

Originally, this plan was fairly simple. It consisted of finding an editor who could help me rise through the ranks quickly, and lying on their desk in a pair of crotch-less leather chaps, waiting for them to return from lunch. Subtlety was never the strong point of this scheme.

But, with the killer grasp political correctness now has on the workplace, I have been forced to rethink this approach or have the entire enterprise doomed to dismal failure. My new scheme requires slightly more tact.

Though I still have to find a boss who will give me unfettered advancement for physical gratification, the next step becomes more complex. Instead of the chaps (which I’d still like to find a place to wear outside the house) I will subtly try to seduce my employer.

I’ll proceed slowly, missing the first couple of buttons on my shirt, dropping pens on the floor and leisurely picking them up, talking about how sore my muscles are after my workout.

After several weeks of this behavior I’ll put into effect the second section of the plan: I’ll listen to what my boss says. This is the most tedious part. It consists of feigning interest in whatever my boss is interested in. Anyone who has been out on a date knows how necessary this fraudulent fascination is. Not to mention how difficult it is to counterfeit spellbound rapture when listening to stories about lame hopes and hobbies.

The next phase is to ply my boss with small offerings of food. The old axiom that the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach must also hold some weight for women, who have a co-dependent history with chocolate.

The final phase is to lure the boss outside the work place. Whether it is just a luncheon, or having an extra ticket for a wanted event, she must be tempted out of their comfort zone so I can pounce.

At this private encounter I will litter the conversation with how empowering it is to work under a powerful woman. I’ll mention that I find women in such positions to be extremely attractive.

This should seal the deal and allow me to bring out the leather chaps.

Of course, this whole plan goes out the window immediately if there is an office party, where political politeness takes a back seat to drunken revelry. Christmas parties are notorious for this type of romance.

I feel confident that this brilliantly nefarious plan will pilot me to the top of the industry. Although, I kind of miss the days before political correctness ruled the work place like Big Brother. Don’t get me wrong, I know what a problem sexual harassment can be, having been victimized by it for an entire summer. But it just seems it would be easier if everyone could have one get out of jail free card – a chance to lay it all on the line. I admit that donning leather chaps may be a little extreme, but it’s a bit more direct than all these subtle tactics attempting to reach the same end. Then again, maybe I’m just a tired dreamer looking for a world without love.

Photos by Andy Grozelle